What is self-compassion?
... and why should you care about it?
Self-compassion means treating yourself with compassion when you run into tough times. That could be experiencing illness, finding work increasingly stressful, perceiving yourself as inadequate, or another form of suffering or distress. We can be terrible to ourselves, telling ourselves things we would never say to a friend or to a child. Being raised to be unselfish and kind to others does not preclude being kind to yourself. Being attuned to the suffering of others doesn’t mean ignoring your own suffering. There is wisdom in treating ourselves with kindness and gentleness. We deserve these things no less than anyone else does.
Dr. Kristin Neff, psychological researcher, author of numerous papers and books on self-compassion, and founder of the Self-Compassion Institute (selfcompassion.org), defines three elements of self-compassion:
Self-kindness vs. self-judgment
Common humanity vs. isolation
Mindfulness vs. over-identification.
By pairing these elements with contrasting concepts, Dr. Neff helps us see what each element is by showing what it is not. First, don’t judge yourself. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You are the only person in the universe whose every thought and impulse is available to you. You see not only the actions but also the mess behind them. Nobody else can see your inner mess, and you can’t see what’s happening in anyone else’s mind or heart. Have you ever told someone you admire them, only to have them laugh and deny it? It’s because they’re looking at their own inner mess, not appreciating how it looks from the outside. So rather than passing judgment on yourself, give yourself a break.
Next, because I’m the only one privy to my inner world and you’re the only one privy to your inner world, it is so easy to assume that you’re the exception. Everyone else is fine—just look at them!—and I’m the only one in the whole world who is a complete mess. It’s an easy assumption to make, but it’s a trap. The truth is that your inner world is just one representation of the amazing diversity of humanity, and there’s so much we share in common. When you find yourself slipping into this trap, remind yourself that you are not the only one who has had an experience like this, not the only one to ever think similar thoughts or feel similar feelings.
Finally, in addition to giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and recognizing that you’re not alone, it’s important to keep your perspective balanced. We can tip out of balance when something is going wrong, by fixating on one piece of the situation rather than mindfully reviewing the entire context. When we over-identify with just one part of the situation, then we limit the information we’re taking in and we are less able to bring our situation to a positive outcome.
Why self-compassion matters
It’s so important to be kind to yourself when you’re struggling, rather than judging yourself as inadequate or wrong. We should remember that we are not the only human to have ever faced the setback or situation, and there are others who could commiserate with us or support us… and what would it be like if we were the ones who comforted and supported us? It’s important to step outside of ourselves from time to time, to recognize and accept the reality we’re facing, to take a balanced approach to what’s actually happening rather than over-identifying with one small aspect or feeling. When we do these things, we equip ourselves for strong and vital leadership as well as for inner health for ourselves and our families.
In short, self-compassion means treating yourself the way you’d treat a beloved parent or your best friend. It seems like a wise approach, doesn’t it?
Inner tools in practice
So what can we do? Well, I have some practical tools and techniques you can try for improving your practice of self-compassion.
The Observer
To use the inner tool The Observer, you’ll need paper and pencil or your favorite note-taking app. Choose a day, one that’s pretty close to your typical routine, to observe. Through the day, pay attention to your self-talk, to all the little things you say to yourself. Don’t judge it or try to change it, just write it down. You can save time when you observe thoughts that come up repeatedly by using tick marks to tally them as they come through.
And that’s all you do. Just observe your self-talk and jot it down.
Review and reflect
Another day, review your list of observations. Read through the things you told yourself. You may find it helpful to mark the compassionate thoughts with a ❤️ and the less compassionate ones with a 🙁.
The next step of the inner work is to reflect on the thoughts on your list. What were my feelings when I told myself this? Did my feelings change after I told myself this? In a good way? And for some of the thoughts—we all have them—Is this what I would say to a child who got a bad grade? What would I say if it was a colleague who lost their keys instead of me? Is this how I would talk to literally anybody except myself if they had a nail in their tire?
The goal here isn’t to feel bad about making yourself feel bad. Rather, the goal of this review and reflection is to start equipping you to notice when you’re kind to yourself and when you really aren’t. By observing your self-talk behaviors, you become able to catch yourself when you treat yourself unkindly, or even before. You’re better equipped to change your self-talk in the moment.
Wrapping it up
In this article, I presented three elements of self-compassion and introduced inner tools—The Observer and Review and reflect—to give you practical methods for exploring your self-talk to find self-compassion. By spending some time with the things you say to yourself, you’ll be able to ask: What could I say to myself in the moment to show kindness rather than judgment? Is there self-talk that could promote community rather than isolation, or mindful balance rather than over-identification?
Ultimately, self-compassion is about your inner health. To be an influential leader, a leader people want to follow, your inner health matters. And self-kindness is why I give you a Kindness Calendar every month, with a small activity every day to show kindness to yourself or to others. When the June Kindness Calendar is published tomorrow, I hope you’ll try some of the activities and make a point of being kind to yourself this month.
Self-compassion is a concept you’ll see again at Miriam’s Wisdom. Our inner health applies to everything we do in our lives—in leadership, at work, at home—and the tools for cultivating self-compassion can benefit us in every area of life.
Helpful resources for further reading:
The power of self-compassion, from Harvard Health
The Science and Practice of Self-Compassion, from Minnesota Neuropsychology