Download

What does this have to do with leadership and inner development? It turns out that kindness—both for others and for oneself—is an important part of being an effective and vital leader, the sort of leader people want to follow. What does this mean? It means that a leader using the wisdom of Miriam is one who shows empathy for others, who gives herself permission to be less than perfect, who models behaviors that reveal that other people (all other people) are valuable and important. Sometimes these behaviors are tiny, like pausing to hold the door open for the colleague with his arms full, and sometimes they are bigger, like starting a volunteer rota to make sure the beloved department administrator has hot meals after she comes home from her surgery. And because it’s easiest to behave in kind ways when we practice, I created the idea of the monthly Kindness Calendar to remind you (and to remind me!) to invest just a few minutes into practicing kindness.

As always, I’d love to hear from you if you’ve tried any of the activities. Whether you’ve tried it as written, changed it up, or mixed it with another activity, pop into the comments to let us know how it went. Would you do it again? Would you adjust it next time?

• Every month, the 10th is Progress Report day - let us know if you’ve tried an activity or if you plan to try one later in the month.

• The 20th is Picture Day - share a photo or drawing of an activity this month. It can be representational or not, symbolic or not, or a selfie with your dancing family.

• The last day of the month is Bring it Home day. Each month you’re invited to repeat your favorite activity from the month to bring it home.

Whether you share your Kindness Calendar activities this month or not, I hope you’ll give some of them a try, and I hope you’ll enjoy them. And maybe the example you set will inspire others to practice kindness as well.

Download June Calendar

Dr. Kristin Neff, psychological researcher, author of numerous papers and books on self-compassion, and founder of the Self-Compassion Institute (selfcompassion.org), defines three elements of self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness vs. self-judgment

2. Common humanity vs. isolation

3. Mindfulness vs. over-identification.

By pairing these elements with contrasting concepts, Dr. Neff helps us see what each element is by showing what it is not. First, don’t judge yourself. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You are the only person in the universe whose every thought and impulse is available to you. You see not only the actions but also the mess behind them. Nobody else can see your inner mess, and you can’t see what’s happening in anyone else’s mind or heart. Have you ever told someone you admire them, only to have them laugh and deny it? It’s because they’re looking at their own inner mess, not appreciating how it looks from the outside. So rather than passing judgment on yourself, give yourself a break.

Next, because I’m the only one privy to my inner world and you’re the only one privy to your inner world, it is so easy to assume that you’re the exception. Everyone else is fine—just look at them!—and I’m the only one in the whole world who is a complete mess. It’s an easy assumption to make, but it’s a trap. The truth is that your inner world is just one representation of the amazing diversity of humanity, and there’s so much we share in common. When you find yourself slipping into this trap, remind yourself that you are not the only one who has had an experience like this, not the only one to ever think similar thoughts or feel similar feelings.

Finally, in addition to giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and recognizing that you’re not alone, it’s important to keep your perspective balanced. We can tip out of balance when something is going wrong, by fixating on one piece of the situation rather than mindfully reviewing the entire context. When we over-identify with just one part of the situation, then we limit the information we’re taking in and we are less able to bring our situation to a positive outcome.

Why self-compassion matters

It’s so important to be kind to yourself when you’re struggling, rather than judging yourself as inadequate or wrong. We should remember that we are not the only human to have ever faced the setback or situation, and there are others who could commiserate with us or support us… and what would it be like if we were the ones who comforted and supported us? It’s important to step outside of ourselves from time to time, to recognize and accept the reality we’re facing, to take a balanced approach to what’s actually happening rather than over-identifying with one small aspect or feeling. When we do these things, we equip ourselves for strong and vital leadership as well as for inner health for ourselves and our families.

In short, self-compassion means treating yourself the way you’d treat a beloved parent or your best friend. It seems like a wise approach, doesn’t it?

Inner tools in practice

So what can we do? Well, I have some practical tools and techniques you can try for improving your practice of self-compassion.

The Observer

To use the inner tool The Observer, you’ll need paper and pencil or your favorite note-taking app. Choose a day, one that’s pretty close to your typical routine, to observe. Through the day, pay attention to your self-talk, to all the little things you say to yourself. Don’t judge it or try to change it, just write it down. You can save time when you observe thoughts that come up repeatedly by using tick marks to tally them as they come through.

And that’s all you do. Just observe your self-talk and jot it down.

Review and reflect

Another day, review your list of observations. Read through the things you told yourself. You may find it helpful to mark the compassionate thoughts with a ❤️ and the less compassionate ones with a 🙁.

The next step of the inner work is to reflect on the thoughts on your list. What were my feelings when I told myself this? Did my feelings change after I told myself this? In a good way? And for some of the thoughts—we all have them—Is this what I would say to a child who got a bad grade? What would I say if it was a colleague who lost their keys instead of me? Is this how I would talk to literally anybody except myself if they had a nail in their tire?

The goal here isn’t to feel bad about making yourself feel bad. Rather, the goal of this review and reflection is to start equipping you to notice when you’re kind to yourself and when you really aren’t. By observing your self-talk behaviors, you become able to catch yourself when you treat yourself unkindly, or even before. You’re better equipped to change your self-talk in the moment.

Wrapping it up

In this article, I presented three elements of self-compassion and introduced inner tools—The Observer and Review and reflect—to give you practical methods for exploring your self-talk to find self-compassion. By spending some time with the things you say to yourself, you’ll be able to ask: What could I say to myself in the moment to show kindness rather than judgment? Is there self-talk that could promote community rather than isolation, or mindful balance rather than over-identification?

Ultimately, self-compassion is about your inner health. To be an influential leader, a leader people want to follow, your inner health matters. And self-kindness is why I give you a Kindness Calendar every month, with a small activity every day to show kindness to yourself or to others. When the June Kindness Calendar is published tomorrow, I hope you’ll try some of the activities and make a point of being kind to yourself this month.

Self-compassion is a concept you’ll see again at Miriam’s Wisdom. Our inner health applies to everything we do in our lives—in leadership, at work, at home—and the tools for cultivating self-compassion can benefit us in every area of life.

Helpful resources for further reading:

• the Self-Compassion Institute

• The power of self-compassion, from Harvard Health

• The Science and Practice of Self-Compassion, from Minnesota Neuropsychology

A leader formulates a vision that is aligned with their values and beliefs.

We’ve been working our way from the end of that statement to the start, discussing beliefs, values, and vision and providing inner tools for exploring each one. By using those inner tools to learn more about yourself and your leadership, you gain a better understanding of your past—where you’ve been—and your future—where you want to go. Today we’ll wrap up the series with alignment, which shows how well our beliefs, values, and vision fit together to make you successful.

Alignment

Alignment is what brings the concepts of beliefs, values, and vision all together. Misaligned beliefs, values, and vision can add struggles and stress to your journey, causing detours and curves and speed bumps. Well-aligned vision, values, and beliefs, however, can lead to a smoother journey along the freeway, without all the twists and bumps and detours. Rocky, winding roads don’t prevent you from getting to your destination, but they make you work harder than if your roads are straight and clear.

The Brain First Institute discusses alignment between our values and our goals through a story of a young architect named Malin. Malin has a vision of being a renowned architect, has a belief that success would require “total commitment” to the vision, and holds values for connection, relationship, and creativity. In the story, Malin realizes that her belief about total commitment was misaligned with her values, and she revises her vision and her actions to bring harmony among the vision, beliefs, and values. Unfortunately for Malin, she recognized the misalignment only in retrospect, because she was approaching burnout, stressed and exhausted, and feeling disconnected from her family, her creativity, and her own spirit.

However, I don’t want you to burn out before you recognize misalignment among your beliefs, values, and vision. Instead, I’d like to equip you with inner tools that you can use immediately to detect possible clashes, learn about them, and make adjustments to prevent rough passages on the road to achieving your vision. Here’s where it really makes a difference that you can change your beliefs and your values. You’re even allowed to adjust your vision! This is why Miriam’s Wisdom is here: to give you the techniques and tools you need to thrive as a leader without burning out or losing your soul.

Why alignment matters

When your vision is aligned with your beliefs and your values, you can put your whole self into achieving your goals. If you’re in a situation where there is conflict between some beliefs and some values, as Malin was in the story above, you’re likely to feel frustrated and stressed. You may not know why. It takes active exploration of your beliefs and values to notice what is happening at a subconscious level.

When you’re leading a team, your team members are looking to you and your behaviors to model for them the ways they should act. They will notice if your actions and decisions follow from your values and your vision, or if they appear to contradict your values or work against your vision. This can cause your team members to feel distrustful or even to show behaviors that are out of alignment with where you want the team to go.

Inner tools in practice

Alignment is about connection and harmony among your beliefs and your values and your vision. If you’ve already taken the time to ideate and reflect on your beliefs and your values, and you’ve done some visualization work on your vision, then you’re well prepared to assess their harmony. Today’s work is more centered in your head than in your heart, and ultimately, it all needs to feel right in your gut.

The Observer

For the inner tool of the observer, you’ll need

• Your notes, sketches, or doodles from the visualization tool for your vision

• Your notes (etc.) from the ideations for your beliefs and values

• Any further notes (etc.) you made during review and reflection

• Your favorite note-taking app or pencil and paper for today’s observations

  • Because we’re looking at connections today, you might find a mind-mapping app helpful.

Before you start, tell yourself “I am an observer. I am here to observe my beliefs and values and leadership vision. I am not here to judge, only to observe and make note.” When you’re ready, start a timer for 15 to 20 minutes and begin.

First, take a look at the notes you made when using the inner tool of visualization to formulate your vision. Review what you saw and felt during your visualization. I encourage you to try to imagine holding your leadership vision in your hands, feeling its weight or its lightness, its fluffiness or density, its smoothness or softness or coarseness. Maybe it’s easier for you to imagine seeing your vision as a sculpture or hearing it as music. What do you observe? What feelings are aroused? Do you feel energized or tired by examining your vision? Remember, you’re here as an observer, to see and make note, and not to pass judgment.

Once your responses start to slow down, look at your beliefs and values, at what came up in ideation and when using the inner tool of review and reflection. Do any of them feel like your vision? feel very unlike your vision? If it helps, imagine your vision as a neighborhood, and you’re out for a walk. Do your beliefs and values fit well in this neighborhood? Do any of them stick out like a sore thumb? Where do you notice harmonies or clashes? Remember, you are the observer here. It is not bad or unworthy for something to be out of place.

As you explore your beliefs, values, and vision together, observe your own responses. What are the feelings that arise? Where are you tempted to pass judgment—for or against? Remember that your role is to observe, not to arbitrate disagreements or demand change. Make notes of what you see and feel.

As your time draws to a close and you re-enter the world, it’s okay to thank yourself for this time of inner work. Make time tomorrow or the next day to review your notes and reflect on what you learned from them.

Visualization

Visualization is a helpful tool when you’ve found potential conflicts among your vision, beliefs, and values. Today, you’ll visualize a scenario, a “what if” scene to play with these ideas. For this exercise, you’ll need

• Any notes about a potential conflict you’ve identified

• Your favorite pen and paper or note-taking app

• A timer set for 10 to 12 minutes.

In this visualization, you’ll begin by bringing up your leadership vision. Instead of visualizing it already accomplished, imagine yourself along the way to achieving it. An issue has come up, something that might prevent you from reaching your vision. A belief and/or value (or more than one) that you suspect might be misaligned with your vision has come up. Imagine what this feels like. What thoughts occur to you? The people that really matter in your life—your partner, your children, your boss, your parents—what would they say?

Perhaps you need to collaborate closely with someone to achieve your vision, but you’re tired and anxious and don’t want to continue. It might be that your value for solitude and reflection is getting pushed aside. Without the time to be with yourself and reflect, you may no longer be able to keep motivating yourself to achieve the goal. It may feel like the price is too high… and maybe it is… and maybe it isn’t.

After your visualization time is up, you may feel unsettled. It’s a good time for a break: a quick walk or a refill at the water cooler or watching a video of purring cats for a few minutes. Strategies for nervous system dysregulation might also be helpful. Most of all, you need to give yourself permission to feel like you’ve just been in the middle of a conflict—because you were!—and to need a few minutes to return to your regular day.

Additional resources

• Guide to Values Alignment in Leadership, very team-focused

• Inner Alignment: How Needs, Wants, Values, and Traits Shape our Lives, more individual and inward focused

• The Power of Alignment: Using Vision and Values to Create High Performance Teams, team-focused academic paper

Wrapping up

This concept of alignment is abstract and difficult to describe. Sometimes it helps to have a partner or mentor you can discuss it with, especially if you’re not sure whether there’s a misalignment among your vision, values, and beliefs. Sometimes you do the inner work and don’t feel satisfied. This is okay. You don’t have all the answers, even about yourself. You didn’t even get an operator’s manual for using your own brain, that amazing, complex machine. When you show up and you do the work, you will notice results. Maybe not right away. But showing up, being present, and committing to the inner work build a new pattern for your brain, one that might eventually become a belief or a value on its own:

• “I believe that I’m someone who shows up.”

• “Showing up and doing the work are an important commitment.”

• “I believe I get the best outcomes when I truly commit to work I need to do.”

Maybe yours is different. It’s all within you to discover: the amazing leader you already are.

I realize that this journey hasn’t taken us all the way to a solution yet. We’ve uncovered our beliefs and found our values, we’ve formulated a vision and assessed it for alignment, but… what now?

There are two main directions to go from here. One direction is to resolve those misalignments, which typically means we have to change something in one or more of our beliefs, values, and/or vision. There are plenty of inner tools and techniques for changing patterns in the brain, and we will talk more about them. The other direction is the next essential quality of an amazing leader: An amazing leader thinks, plans, and acts to bring their vision to life. As with the first quality, there’s a lot of unpack in that brief sentence, so we’ll start working on it in a few weeks. You can expect a series of articles, perhaps on thinking, planning, acting, and what it means to have a living vision.

Sound exciting? or not really? I’d love to know what you’re looking forward to next. What are the things you wonder about—or worry about—as a leader? Let me know in the comments!

A leader formulates a vision that is aligned with their values and beliefs.

Working our way from the end of that statement to the start. In How to grow as a leader: Uncover your beliefs and How to grow as a leader: Find your values, we discussed beliefs and values with practical tips for inner techniques to begin exploring them. Today we’ll look at your leadership vision and how it’s influenced by your beliefs and values.

Your leadership vision

We’ve been discussing this as an essential quality for any leader, whether the context is a Fortune 500 company, the church women’s group, your role as a parent, or even your own personal development. A vision is essential in all of these contexts: a vision for the company’s progress, a vision for raising funds and doing good work, a vision of your children as strong and capable adults, or yourself as a centered, whole, healthy person. This is why our essential quality starts with “A leader formulates a vision.”

We hear a lot about mission statements and vision statements, enough so that I roll my eyes when I hear one of those phrases. “Oh lord, this again.” But these are good things to have, and they’re excellent things to work on. The good news is, they don’t have to be perfect; nearly nothing ever has to be perfect.

An example

Ten years ago, I found myself stuck and uncomfortable with my life. I was glad to be working again after a couple years of disability leave, but it didn’t feel satisfying. One day I stumbled upon the website of a life coach who works with women who had taken disability leave, returned to work, and found themselves feeling stuck and uncomfortable and unsatisfied. “Wait a minute: this is a thing?” Yes, this is a thing. During my period of leave, my beliefs and values shifted, and I hadn’t realized it. In the articles about beliefs and values that were published recently, we learned how beliefs and values usually live below the surface, where we are mostly unaware of them.

I spent time on inner work, deciding what I wanted to be when I grow up. Ultimately I decided to move into academia, which would require earning a Master’s degree and a PhD. My vision was of myself as a professor and researcher, teaching classes, reading the journals, speaking at conferences… and mostly having a far less frantic pace than the hamster wheel of my job at the time.

What is a vision?

There are many definitions for your vision as a leader, and of course they vary widely depending on the context. For today, let’s talk about the elements that are the same regardless.

• Your vision describes a future state, but…

• Your vision is written in present tense.

• Your vision helps you clarify decisions, and

• Your vision appeals to your emotions.

• Your vision is connected to your senses.

• Your vision is aspirational. It excites you and helps you feel inspired and motivated.

You may have heard vision described as a “North Star” that you will follow. It’s a lovely image, but only some of our travels are northward. We don’t use the North Star as a marker of our destination, but as a guidepost that shows us which direction we should face to get where we want to go. Instead, your vision is a combination of a compass and a postcard: it shows you which direction to head, and it gives you a picture of your destination so you’ll know when you’ve arrived.

Leading in an organization

When you’re a leader in an organization, your vision isn’t just for you. Your vision is there for everyone in the organization to aspire you. It tells your shareholders where you want to take the organization and perhaps some of the landmarks along the way. With a personal leadership vision, it matters most for you. But in an organization—for profit or not-for-profit, international relief or local parent-teacher association—your vision must be compelling for many stakeholders. With the higher stakes, you may not want this to be the very first vision you write. Of course you’ll work with your senior leaders to craft the written statement and to get buy-in from them, but you’re the leader, you’re the visionary, and ultimately, this is your work. Today’s article is introductory, so we’ll dive further into developing a vision statement for an organization in the future.

Inner tools in practice

Now that you’ve used ideation to explore your beliefs and values, followed by review and reflection to explore and reflect on them, it’s time to try a different inner tool. We’ve used the word vision and talked about appealing to all the senses, so it may not surprise you that we’ll use visualization as an inner tool for exploring vision.

Visualization

Visualization is a flexible inner tool that works in many contexts. Leaders in sports, performing arts, and even business use two types of visualization for setting a goal and achieving it: outcome visualization (What does it look like when I’ve achieved my vision?) and process visualization (What do I need to do along the way?). For today, we’ll focus on outcome visualization; in the future, we’ll add process visualization and other visualization techniques to the inner toolbox.

What you need

To get started, you need

• An idea of what your goal might be. Something that’s a year away or more, something that excites you, something that might be hard to accomplish.

  • “I want to be a better parent” is an okay goal to start with.

  • “I want to be more in touch with my feelings so that I can be a better parent” is a little better.

  • Don’t spend more than 3 to 5 minutes thinking about this; it’s better to start from a weak goal and develop it over time than to get paralyzed because you don’t have the perfect goal in mind.

• About 30 minutes without interruptions. The visualization should take no more than about 15 minutes, but it helps to have a little time on either side.

• A timer with a pleasant, even meditative, sound to call you back. I prefer bell chimes (like this one) rather than alarms.

• A pencil and paper, your journal, or your favorite app for note-taking.

• An environment not cluttered with thoughts, ideas, and shoulds. Minimize all the active apps on your screens or turn them off. When your eyes are open, you really only want to pay attention to the prompts for the visualization.

What to do

1. Record your goal on your journal page or note-taking app. Put it front and center.

2. Record some prompts for your visualization below the goal. You can start with the ones below or do a quick ideation session to brainstorm some more. Remember: you don’t need a perfect set of prompts. Give yourself enough, and then get started.

   1. What do I want?

   2. What do I want it?

   3. What will be different once I achieve the goal?

   4. What does that look like? What does it sound like? smell like, feel like, taste like?

   5. What am I thinking when I accomplish my goal?

   6. What do I remember and feel about the struggles along the way?

   7. What does it feel like emotionally?

   8. How are the people around you responding to your accomplishment?

3. Set your timer for 15 minutes. Close your eyes or don’t, whichever works for you. Visualize!

4. When your timer calls you back, take a deep breath before coming back to the regular world.

5. Take a few minutes to jot down what you saw and sensed and felt about your goal.

6. Later, after you’ve had at least one sleep on it, formulate your visualization into a vision statement that fits the guidelines from “What is a vision?” above.

By immersing yourself in this world where your goal has already been accomplished, you’re training your brain to make it happen. Returning to this world from time to time underlines this new pattern in your brain and increases the likelihood that you’ll achieve it. Explore the little side trails and aspects you find as you call your visualization back up. And don’t be afraid to discover that this may not be the right goal for you. The key is to learn and to grow, and sometimes the lesson we learn is “That’s not a good fit for me right now.”

Additional resources

• 5 Visualization techniques to help you reach your goals

• … and several “dead-tree” books I need to find and cite! Visualization is a key technique recommended for recovery from eating disorders, and the guides I read to work on my own recovery incorporated visualization to explore my recovered self.

Wrapping up

Today we discussed the visions we must formulate in our leadership and the key elements that should be part of any leadership vision, whether personal or organizational. I shared an example from my life, my vision of earning a PhD and working as an academic. That vision has already been through some changes and adjustments, but still when the work gets to be a slog, I visualize receiving my hood at graduation, giving talks at conferences, and helping students add tools for the work they’re learning to do. Finally, I offered an inner tool for formulating your vision: visualization.

Next, we’re going to wrap up this series with alignment. We need our vision to be aligned with our beliefs and values, or we’re in for a rocky road.

I’d love to hear how your visualization goes and how your leadership vision has developed. This is such a rich area for discussion, and there’s so much we can learn from each other. So please pop into the comments and tell me how it’s going!

A leader formulates a vision that is aligned with their values and beliefs.

Working our way from the end of that statement to the start. In How to grow as a leader: Uncover your beliefs, we discussed core beliefs with practical tips for inner techniques to begin exploring your beliefs. Today we’ll look at values: what they are, why they matter, and how to learn more about the values at your core.

Finding our values

What is a value?

Like beliefs, values live within us, subconsciously, where we may not notice how they drive our behaviors. And like beliefs, values are essentially a pattern in the brain, a familiar, well-trod road that feels comfortable.

At its simplest, a value is a judgment of worth about an idea.

Let’s look at an example. Consider Jessica, who holds the belief that shee must always be productive to be good and worthy; on the flip side, she believes that when she spends her time on “unproductive” activities like hobbies or relaxation, she’s “wasting” her time, and that leads to bad outcomes. Because there’s a value judgment (good vs. bad or worthy vs. unworthy), Jessica’s belief has become a value.

Like beliefs, values aren’t necessarily wrong or bad. However, you might recognize Jessica’s productivity value as inaccurate and unhelpful. Consider the possible outcomes for Jessica. She may find that she’s starting work early and finishing her days late, that she feels like there’s never enough time to get everything done, that she’s less connected with friends and family, that she no longer has a sense of what inspires and motivates her, that she feels out of control or helpless, that she experiences increasing frustration and anger.

It might seem obvious to us that Jessica’s value about productivity and goodness is not helping her, that the behaviors resulting from it are making her miserable. But for Jessica, this value is not at a conscious level. She may not perceive that this value about hyper-productivity is at the root of her stress.

What do we do with our values?

Just like we can change and shift our beliefs, we can also move and evolve our values. This happens naturally already. For example, after you have a child, your values about work may evolve, because you have new values coming to life about children and parenting and family.

The real power is in consciously shifting our values, so that they help us to feel successful and fulfilled. This is why wise leaders learn how to uncover their values, to bring them to a conscious level. Wise leaders respond to their values intentionally rather than allowing them to silently influence their behaviors.

So what can Jessica do?

1. Discover what her values are. The Inner tools in practice section below offers a couple of inner techniques for this.

2. Explore how her values affect her behaviors. Are the outcomes working for her?

3. Set inner cues to consciously observe her values in action, intentionally lean into the ones that can help or set aside ones that aren’t helpful in the context.

Inner tools in practice

As with beliefs, ideation (or brainstorming) can be helpful in uncovering your core values, and there are many worksheets and tools online to help.

• Values Compass from PsychKit gives a quick assessment for exploration.

• How to Find Your Core Values by Empower Process goes a little deeper and continues with additional exploration.

Notice the recommendation to work quickly, without overthinking or pressuring yourself to write a Great Big Manifesto (GBM). Your immediate goal is more like the Sh*tty First Draft (SFD) of Anne Lamott: quick and dirty and very vulnerable and real as a result.

Ideation session for values

If you want to do the ideation (or brainstorming) on your own rather than through an online tool, that’s perfectly fine. In fact, after using tools, you may want to tailor your session for the values you’ve identified.

You should keep this session short; it should take 10 to 15 minutes max. You’ll need a timer and either pencil and paper or your favorite note-taking app.

You’ll also need one or two prompts for your exploration. I recommend recording them at the top of your page, so that your attention stays on the ideation task as you slow down. Here are some for getting started, and you can mix and match, remix, or outright change the prompts so that they work best for your context.

• Think of a time you felt truly fulfilled. What values were you (or others) honoring in that moment?

• Did you think of several times of fulfillment? What did they have in common, in terms of the values being honored? How did they differ?

• What are your pet peeves? Consider what it is that irritates you.

• Think of a few people you love or admire and why they’re important to you. If it helps, think of who you consider a hero. What are the characteristics they have that you find meaningful and important in them?

• Consider moments when you’ve had very strong emotions, something made you really glad, or something pissed you the heck off. What is it that triggered the emotion?

Once you’ve got your prompts, it’s time to get to work!

1. Set a timer for 5-8 minutes.

2. Respond to the prompts. Avoid distractions and rabbitholes.

3. When the timer goes off, set it aside. You’ll review and reflect on your findings later.

Reflection

Now that you have a list of your values, how do you feel about them? This 15 to 20 minute session will help you assess your values and how they affect your life.

A day or two after your ideation session, return to your list for reflection. If you want to make yourself a neat copy of your values before you start, go for it. You’ll need your list(s) from brainstorming, and you’ll want pen/paper or your note-taking app as before.

1. Set a timer for no more than 15 to 20 minutes.

2. As you review each value, ask yourself some reflection questions: What does this value look like in my life? Are there certain things I often do because I have this value? Are there things I never do because I have the value? How does this value expand my influence and vision? What does it cost me to hold this value? How do I feel about this value? Am I 100% for it, am I not sure, or do I think I may change it?

3. Jot your answers down quickly as you work through your values. It’s okay to feel tentative about them. Try to get something down for each value.

Don’t try to brainstorm new values while you do this reflection. If you think of a value you didn’t consider before, then go ahead and put it down so it doesn’t get lost. Your focus in this session is just reviewing your list of values and reflecting on them. The action of writing down your values may give you a breakthrough… or it may not. We’ll talk more about taking the next steps in this exploration in future articles. What counts is that you’ve gotten started!

Wrapping up

We opened with just one of the essential qualities of a vital, influential leader, and in this article, we focused on just one concept from that quality.

A leader formulates a vision that is aligned with their values and beliefs.

Beliefs and values are closely related, and the key lesson to keep in mind is that they are typically subconscious patterns in the brain. Just like beliefs show up in our behaviors, our values are reflected in behaviors as well. And just like beliefs, our values can change and evolve.

Then we introduced two inner tools for finding and reflecting on our values. Did it surprise you that they were so similar to the inner tools we used for exploring our beliefs?

After you try one of the tools, please feel free to leave a comment about how it went. Was it easy or difficult? Did you learn something amazing, or did it seem like a waste of time? Did you try something a little different, maybe a variation on the tool?

And stay tuned for the next article about vision, which will come out in 3 to 4 days. See you in the comments!

A leader formulates a vision that is aligned with their values and beliefs.

Those are some big concepts! In the next few articles, I’ll work my way from the end of this sentence to the start, with articles about beliefs, values, vision, and alignment. Each article will include a brief overview of the concept followed by one or two inner tools you can use to explore it further. In time I’ll add worksheets or info pages (“cheat sheets”) to make those inner tools even easier to break out and use. So let’s get started with beliefs!

Beliefs

What do I believe? What do you believe? Understanding your beliefs can be challenging because they live at a foundational level, underlying our conscious thoughts and behaviors. This means that our behaviors are often guided by our beliefs whether we have consciously explored them or not. According to John Eades of Learnloft, a belief is a pattern in the brain, laid there through experience and repetition. This matters because our beliefs become our behaviors.

Beliefs aren’t necessarily good or bad. However, they can be helpful or unhelpful. For example, many believe that we must spend our time doing “productive” things, and that rest and hobbies don’t count as productive. If you hold this belief, then you may feel guilty when you take a break, or you might be unable to relax because your mind stirs you to action when you sit down to watch your favorite TV series. And if you hold this belief at a subconscious level, then you may not know why you feel driven to work on a meal plan or find laundry to fold instead of relaxing. One good general rule, if there’s something in your life that you really struggle with, that makes you feel all the feels, there’s often a belief hiding out in the shadows.

So here’s the good news: we can change our beliefs. Katie Sullivan Porter of The Leadership Circle writes that the best part about our beliefs is that we can challenge them and shape them and completely rewrite them. In fact, the final item on her list of the 7 Core Beliefs that Shape Extraordinary Leaders says

Beliefs can change—and that changes everything.

And she’s right! When you believe that you can change your beliefs, you find many more opportunities around you that you may have been unaware of… or may just have believed impossible. Changing beliefs is a mindset effort, and like so much inner work, making the change relies on conscious intention and self-talk.

We’ll talk more (much more!) about beliefs and changing them in coming articles. For today, let’s start with an inner tool for discovering our beliefs.

When we uncover our beliefs and reflect on them, we can change them. If It’s a mindset effort, and we have to practice telling ourself the new belief. It’s about consciously challenging this pattern in the brain so that we can shift it to where we want it to be.

Inner tools in practice

What do I believe?

A brainstorming (or ideation) exercise can be helpful for exploring your beliefs. For this you’ll need pencil and paper or your favorite app for mind-mapping or note-taking.

Before you begin, write down four or five prompts for getting started:

• What do I believe about success?

• What do I believe about work?

• What do I believe about people?

• What do I believe about power and influence?

• What do I believe about being worthy or even valuable?

• What do I believe about time, money, joy, satisfaction…?

There are so many prompts you can try, and some may be more fruitful than others. The good news is, you’re spending 10 to 15 minutes max on this exercise, so if you want, you can try it again tomorrow with different prompts.

1. Set a timer for no more than 5 to 8 minutes, and hold yourself to that.

2. Start the timer and respond to the categories. It’s okay to branch out or add more.

While the timer is going, try to keep your focus on a flow of ideas. You can review and reflect on your findings later. And don’t be afraid if you only come up with a few. This particular brainstorm tends to yield maybe 5 to 10 ideas instead of 20 or 30.

How do my beliefs affect me?

Maybe the next day, return to your list for reflection. If you want to make yourself a neat copy of your beliefs before you start, go for it. You’ll need your list(s) from brainstorming, and you’ll want pen/paper or your note-taking app as before.

1. Set a timer for no more than 15 to 20 minutes.

2. As you review each belief, ask yourself some reflection questions: What benefits do I get because I hold this belief? How does this belief expand my influence and vision? What does it cost me to hold this belief? How does it restrict my viewpoint or sap my energy? Where did I pick up this belief: as a child, in school, at work? How do I feel about this belief? Am I 100% for it, am I not sure, or do I think I need to change it?

3. Jot these down as you work through your beliefs. It’s okay to not be sure, especially when we’re working quickly. Try to get something down for each belief.

Don’t try to brainstorm new beliefs while you do this reflection. If something comes up that you didn’t think of before, then go ahead and put it down, of course. The idea is that while the timer is running, your focus is just on reviewing and reflecting. Sometimes the activity of putting beliefs down on paper reveals what you need to get unstuck or to grow to the next level. Sometimes you’ll need to take it farther… and we’ll talk more about what that can look like in a future article.

Wrapping up

We opened with just one of the essential qualities of a vital, influential leader, and in this article, we focused on just one concept from that quality.

A leader formulates a vision that is aligned with their values and beliefs.

Of course, it’s hard to judge whether our vision as a leader is aligned with our values and beliefs if we don’t even know what beliefs we hold! So we introduced two inner tools for exploring and uncovering beliefs. This is such a rich area for self-discovery that it will come up again at Miriam’s Wisdom.

After you try one of the tools, please feel free to leave a comment about how it went. Was it easy or difficult? Did you learn something amazing, or did it seem like a waste of time? Did you try something a little different, maybe a variation on the tool?

And stay tuned for the next article about values, which will come out in 3 to 4 days. See you in the comments!

If we’re going to talk about leaders and leadership, it’s important to know what those words mean. I do a lot of reflection, and my initial ideas on leaders and leadership were rather vague. “It depends” isn’t a great answer; it would lead to lots of conversations about various cases and scenarios but wouldn’t get to the heart of a thriving leadership. While there are differences between being a thought leader or a song leader or a Fortune 50 CEO, it’s clear that there are core practices and patterns common to leaders.

Leader: A working definition

For a working definition, let’s start here. I’m sure we’ll evolve this over time as we work together here at Miriam’s Wisdom.

A leader is one who formulates a vision aligned with their beliefs and values; who thinks, plans, and acts to bring their vision to life; who embraces change rather than defending against it; who extends empathy and dignity to others; who admits to mistakes and asks for help; who celebrates the diverse perspectives of others; and who tends to their own physical, mental, and emotional health.

I realize that covers a lot of territory. When we think about leadership, those first two qualities might seem obvious. The others may seem less apparent. So let’s look at each one.

A vision aligned with beliefs and values

Working in business, you might hear a lot about vision. Top executives formulate a vision for the business and develop a strategy to carry it out. Founders of start-up companies have a vision for a product or service, so they work to create and sell it. Here’s the thing: you don’t have to be an executive or entrepreneur to have a vision for your work, whether it’s paid, volunteer, or in the home. It’s an exercise in inspiration and aspiration, in asking “what if” and following the ideas. A vision may be a small, two-week goal or it may be a five-year plan.

The second part of this leadership quality can be trickier. Many of us don’t spend time identifying and reflecting on what we believe and what we value. Even those who do spend time with their beliefs and values might not be able to articulate what the words mean or why they matter. The thing is, if your vision is to successfully rob a bank but your values emphasize ethics and compassion, then you might struggle to enact this vision. It might be a daydream, but having so much conflict with your values means it really needs to stay just a daydream.

We’ll spend much more time on beliefs, values, and vision at Miriam’s Wisdom. There’s plenty of great inner tools and techniques we can practice in this area.

Thinking, planning, acting

A leader thinks, plans, and acts to bring their vision to life. That might be pretty obvious to you, and there’s also some real treasures lurking under the surface. Thinking is important, taking time to be thoughtful about decisions. One thing I admire about others is frequently the ability to think before speaking or acting. I often find myself in situations that demand a quick decision, and I don’t always pause for a moment to take a thoughtful approach. Do I understand the need? Are there aspects I’m wondering about? Are there assumptions I’m making?* What are the implications of taking this path? of that path instead? Considering these questions may lead me away from the quick-fire decision I was ready to give. Taking a moment to be thoughtful before speaking can also be helpful. Nobody wants to bring a question to their leader and get a frustrated, angry, or even profane response. So let’s decide now not to do this to each other.

While taking 60 seconds to respond thoughtfully to a question or decision is important, taking more time for planning is even more important for success. We need to consider assumptions, risks, open questions, uncertainties. Depending on the scope of the vision, we may plan at different levels: identifying what must be accomplished to bring it to reality. As we think through our plan, we may find places that are particularly risky and spend some extra time there asking “what if” questions. When we are thoughtful and spend time in planning, then our actions can be decisive and measured. If asked about them, we can explain the how and the why. And when others notice that your decisions and actions are informed and thoughtful, they will pay attention to what you’re doing: they will see you as a leader they want to follow.

Embracing change

There are two primary approaches we can take to change: we can defend against it, or we can embrace it and move with it. Only one of those is inspiring and exciting; those who lead from embracing change tend to elicit behaviors of confidence, competence, and encouragement. The other approach is based on fear and uncertainty, and those who lead from a place of fear tend to incite anger, frustration, and non-productive behaviors. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like spending time surrounded by anger and frustration and fear. Even if a great deal of change is coming, I’d much prefer an environment of welcoming and encouragement.

One of the inspirations for Miriam’s Wisdom is Stephanie Ockerman of Agile Socks. She opened an email once by asking if we can live with both uncertainty and opportunity at the same time. Uncertainty means risk of bad stuff happening, but it also means the opportunity for good things to happen. If we close ourselves off to uncertainty, then we may never see the opportunities that are all around us. Being open to change and embracing it doesn’t mean we have to let the wind blow us wherever it takes us. If we’re thinking and planning and we’re being thoughtful about decision-making, then we will make informed decisions about the change and uncertainty we face. Truly vital and influential leaders frequently ask themselves if they’re doing the right thing, if they’re doing it the best way, if there are risks they haven’t considered, if there are opportunities they might take advantage of. They aren’t defending against change but learning and growing from it.

Empathy and dignity

Leaders extend empathy and dignity to others. Whether those others are business partners, employees, customers, volunteers, or their spouse and children, a good leader recognizes their common personhood and treats them as the unique and precious treasure that they are. Doing this for the millions of households using your brand of paper towels is different from doing it for the three others in your family. Empathy for millions of customers might mean redesigning your project packaging so that it’s easier to open. And empathy for your family might mean playing with building bricks for a half hour before dinner or pausing to tell your partner how much you appreciate their support.

When we talk about employees and volunteers, there are legal aspects that we must fulfill. But generally, unless we have cause to suspect an individual of being a bad actor, there’s no reason to act as though they are… and every reason to assume that they’re doing the best they can with the knowledge and tools they have. It inspires trust when we understand and assume that our colleagues and employees have full and meaningful lives outside work, when we can understand that a sick parent may consume their attention or assume that their migraine is real.

This is an orientation to the world, rather than something we can turn on and off like a light. You can expect to see inner tools in future articles that can nurture our capabilities for empathy and kindness to others.

Admitting mistakes and asking for help

Good leaders have intellectual humility. They know they aren’t perfect. They know they’ve made bad decisions or other mistakes. And they can admit to this. When you hear a leader tell a story about a bad mistake or business decision, you can expect to hear what they learned from it, as well as how you might be able to learn from it without having to commit the same blunder. Good leaders also learn how to judge when they will not be able to achieve some goal with the resources they have, when they will have to ask for help.

Celebrating diverse perspectives

I know that, since 2025, diversity has become a keyword associated with “woke ideology” (whatever that means). However, we truly are stronger when we welcome perspectives and contributions from people who are different from ourselves. This doesn’t have to mean race or ethnicity. People who think differently or hold different assumptions from ourselves give us important perspectives about how products might be used or how changes affect people in different ways.

I have a friend who is very sensitive to sensory stimulation, and going to the movies can be challenging for her. The contrast between the dark room and the bright screen is activating, and the loud sound system can send her over the edge or simply leave her exhausted. It’s because of others with a similar perspective that my employer incorporated a sound masking system into our open floor-plan office; it helps workers to feel able to speak without being overheard as well as to work without the stimulation and interruption.

What other perspectives are we missing? And what opportunities will it create to learn about them?

Committed to their health

Finally, an effective leader takes care of their physical, mental, and emotional health. Further, they model these behaviors for those around them, because they’re that important. Let the appointments for your annual physical or your semiannual dental checkup be public on your calendar. Keep a couple reusable water bottles at your desk, and encourage people to bring water with them into meetings. Don’t skip lunch. Empathy for yourself is every bit as important as empathy for everyone else.

There are four elements that carry a lot of weight in all areas of health: eat, hydrate, sleep, move. I recently had about six weeks where my sleep was terrible; everything felt even more stressful and overwhelming than usual until I got the help I needed to bring my sleep back under control. While health is about so much more than these four basics, intentionally maintaining focus on eating, hydration, sleep, and movement is foundational to self-care. So yes, in addition to inner tools about vision and values and change and intellectual humility, Miriam’s Wisdom will also publish tools to encourage maintaining your health.

Wrapping it up

It’s a lot, to be sure. Leadership is a broad topic, and it means many things to many people. Here, I’ve tried to distill the common aspects of leadership from across contexts and fields into a working definition with general application.

A leader is one who formulates a vision aligned with their beliefs and values; who thinks, plans, and acts to bring their vision to life; who embraces change rather than defending against it; who extends empathy and dignity to others; who admits to mistakes and asks for help; who celebrates the diverse perspectives of others; and who tends to their own physical, mental, and emotional health.

How many of these things are you already doing? Which ones seem easy to you, and which seem challenging? Is there something that always trips you up? Please share a comment and let us know—we’ll take it into account as we plan future articles.

* Bonus story

Once my daughter was talking with her dad, and she used the word assume. Then she said, “I wouldn’t want to make an *ss out of you.” Dad said, “Or me!” And she replied, “That’s what I said.”

He didn’t think this was funny, but I do!

Hello, and welcome to the new vision for this online space! I’d been through a couple iterations here, traveling a long way from my first reason for joining Substack: a wish to simply collect my favorite poems so that I could find them again easily.

The new vision, Miriam’s Wisdom, has been quietly simmering for a few years now, as I’ve spent time learning about leadership and living into a new spirituality. The two are connected, as a healthy leader brings their whole self to work. In my experience, wisdom is one of the connections between the parts of our self: between mind and heart and spirit and gut. Wisdom is embodied, and it uses the lessons that we learn through any part of ourselves, through direct experience and through the stories of others. Wisdom takes knowledge and integrates it, synthesizing facts into concepts and principles, a rubric for living and interacting with the world.

Moreover, wisdom brings together lessons from our traditions with the lessons of today, and this is where Miriam comes in. If you are familiar with the ancient story of the exodus from Egypt, Miriam is the older sister of Moses, and is a prophet and leader among their people. A recent article on MSN includes this remarkable statement:

Within a world of harsh decrees and cruelty, Miriam creates a human partnership that crosses boundaries for the sake of saving life. Out of such human moments of courage, Miriam embodies life-sustaining leadership that connects people across opposing nationalities, leading the way to a different reality.

Rabba Amirit Rosen, The Hidden Well: Exploring Miriam’s Leadership as a Source of Hope in War’s Shadow, April 7, 2026

What leader would not want to be like Miriam?

• Collaborative, partnering with others to accomplish goals.

• Compassionate, valuing, promoting, and sustaining life.

• Courageous, building connections amidst diversity.

• Visionary, bringing people to a new way of living.

These are qualities that a wise leader possesses, develops, practices, grows. At Miriam’s Wisdom, I’m exploring not only the lessons we can learn from Miriam but also the best research from business, psychology, sociology, and behavioral studies.

Leadership is not only about being an executive in a business or a not-for-profit organization. It’s not only about being a professor or teacher, a movie star or director, or even a parent. There are thought leaders and influencers, and there are people who live quiet lives in which they are role models we look up to because of some indefinable spark. That spark is leadership. Wise, grounded, meaningful, practical leadership. Every one of us has this spark, and if we nurture it, it can grow into our own unique leadership.

The fact is, leadership grows from within, as wisdom does. To develop strong, vital, wise leadership, we must not only practice outward behaviors but inward ones as well. Research shows that five key elements of wisdom are consideration for others, self-management, seeking diversity, embracing uncertainty, and taking a long-term view (Tracy Bower, PhD. Why You Need Wisdom And How To Be (More) Wise—According To Science. March 28, 2021). You’ll see me writing on these topics and many others that may not seem directly related to leadership at first… but that are developing us into wise leaders, a little bit every day. Because the wise leader takes the long-term view, I encourage you to recognize that these changes and developments may not be noticeable right away. Instead, as you apply the practices that work for you in your own life, the shifts will happen. And then one day, all at once, you’ll notice these new abilities and capacities within yourself, and if you’re like me at all, you will be pleased at the results and energized for the next developments.

Thank you for embarking with me on this journey. In coming weeks I will add more features to this newsletter and to my services, and I can’t wait to share them all with you. Are you ready to get started on this together? I’d love to hear about your goals and your journey in the comments!

As ever, I encourage you to become a subscriber and to recommend Miriam’s Wisdom to others who might find it helpful in their own development.

Subscribe now

Subscriptions will remain free in May—and the main Miriam’s Wisdom newsletter will always be free—and I will also introduce my paid subscription offerings this summer. You can expect to see downloadables—including the monthly Kindness Calendar, which gives an idea for each day of the month for showing kindness to others and to yourself—chats, workshops, self-paced learning, and more.

Now that spring is fully here and summer is around the corner, many of us are thinking about new life, new beginnings, and vacation adventures for the summer. Wisdom recommends that we do some planning for our new adventures, not trying to exhaustively schedule every minute of summer relaxation at the beach, but giving ourselves options for when everything goes well and when it’s rainy or you’re too tired or what you need most of all is to do absolutely nothing. What adventures are you planning? How will you lead the way to a great spring and a great adventure?

Download

Every month I’ll post a printable calendar for my subscribers, and every day, the calendar make one suggestion to show kindness to another or to yourself.

I hope you’ll share in the Comments ideas you’ve tried, remixed, or plan to try. Let us know how it goes, how it feels, how you remixed ideas, how you might change things up in the future.

And as always, a huge thank you to my subscribers. If you’re enjoying Miriam’s Wisdom, please consider a subscription, so that you’ll get every article in your inbox, plus access to other products and services that are rolling out in the next few months.

You’ve probably seen the teasers I’ve posted in the last couple weeks about the upcoming changes and rebranding of this Substack. Let me share a little more of the backstory.

I’m pretty sure I’ve shared that I’m neurodivergent. Autism runs in my family, and I also have an auditory processing disorder, an eating disorder, and a mood disorder. (Plus a couple of disabling physical conditions as well, but who’s counting?) I don’t say this in a bid for sympathy, but to tell you a little about the journey to where I am now. In fact, I don’t even want to call it a journey: it’s an adventure!

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Right now, I’m 54 years old, and I’ve worked in software development for 31 years. In my early 40s I took disability leave from work, starting with a few weeks of no work at all and gradually rebuilding from 12 hours a week to 16, to 20 and 24, to 30 and 32. After I resumed a full 40-hour workweek, I found myself sort of itchy and uncomfortable. Working in this field didn’t fit well, and I didn’t know why… until I found the website of a woman who does life coaching for women who took disability leave, returned to full-time work, and realized that their values and beliefs had shifted while they were on leave, that they no longer believed in the same things and valued the same things as before. I asked myself, “Is that really a thing? Is that what’s happening here?”

The answer was yes.

As a result, I went back to school and earned an MS in mathematical sciences, writing a statistics-heavy thesis based on original research. I completed a graduate certificate in epidemiology and have since completed the coursework for a PhD in epidemiology… with a 4.0 GPA. I don’t say this to brag, though I’m proud of my accomplishments, but to tell you more about the adventure as I’ve explored it.

The goal was a move into academia. However, the field of health research has had its funding slashed by the current federal administration, and it’s hard for many health professors and researchers to continue. In fact, my sister works in public health research and is scheduled to be laid off this summer. So I’m working on my dissertation now, not knowing whether there will be anywhere for a 50-some-year-old brand-new epidemiology academic to work.

Leadership

Over time, I have encountered the same thread running through my life: leadership. I’ve taken courses in leadership in public health (not to mention the MBA I started back in 2006), and I’ve taken several courses from Stephanie Ockerman of Agile Socks.

The most important concept I’ve taken from these has been interior space. To lead from our best self, rather than reacting (often with a jerk of the knee) to what happens to us. By creating and cultivating this inner space, we can hold ideas that might seem opposing together in one place. We can examine them, reflect on them, decide how to handle them… instead of reacting in a way that might be unproductive.

I’ve also learned that the tools and techniques for becoming a better leader are the same tools and techniques that help us to become better people, wiser people, even deeply grounded spiritual people. We may use different words for these tools and techniques depending on whether we’re in the office or at home or at a PTA meeting or at our spiritual home, but they are largely the same.

It’s all connected

My spiritual adventure has been an interesting one. I’m a mystic, someone who experiences transcendence and finds deep meaning in it, someone who stands with one foot in this concrete world and one foot in the realm of metaphor and symbol. I was a cradle Episcopalian, even a Sister under vows for several years, and have recently begun a conversion to Judaism. Having read many works by mystics over the years, I was unsurprised that many of the spiritual practices of Christianity align with many of the spiritual practices of Judaism. All of which align with practices in mindfulness, presence, self-compassion, and yes, leadership.

It’s all connected. The brain bone is connected to the heart bone, the heart bone is connected to the spirit bone, the spirit bone is connected to the leadership bone, and this sounds like a terrible version of an old spiritual. But it’s the truth: all these parts of ourselves are connected. They come together at that space of inward capacity, where in the seeming contradictions among them, they live in companionable paradox.

Inner tools

And this is what brings us here today. I’ve learned many inner tools that can help us develop into wiser people, who are more mature, more compassionate, more thoughtful, better parents, more effective leaders. When we invest time into these tools and practices, we become the ones who are sought out when our friends or colleagues have questions. We may not become Vice Presidents of Fortune-50 corporations, but our lives and the lives that touch ours can become fuller, deeper, better.

I’m not offering a silver bullet. What I am offering is some wisdom I’ve gained over 30-some years in the workforce, a life dedicated to spiritual practice, and years of schooling and learning from others.

Are you ready to join me on this new adventure, at Miriam’s Wisdom? I can’t wait to set out with you into the unknown. We start in 8 days! Make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss a single article.

And it’s why, as soon as I learned that the top-level domain .ing exists--by visiting a website that ended with bless.ing--I purchased sarahsbless.ing and saraisbless.ing. And wished I’d purchased miriamsbless.ing as well. (If it’s available, I still might!) Because Abraham is to be a blessing to nations, to populations, to big things. I don’t know how to be a blessing to big things like that. But I can be a blessing in small things. I can give a smile to the lady working the drive-through window at Wendy’s. I can be kind to a friend... or a stranger. I can make K’s favorite supper or surprise her with cheesecake. I can talk quietly with the mourning dove in the tree, without insisting on aggressive eye contact. I can support my colleagues. I can be a blessing to the lives I touch.

And that, I believe, is Sarah’s blessing. Sarah is a blessing for small things. When we become Sarah’s blessing, we are a blessing to our own microcosm. Some may be intended for blessing nations, but most of us are not. Most of us have only a small world to serve. And when we live as a blessing in that world, then we are living as God wants us to.

How will you be a blessing today? How will you be Sarah?

I’m not really doing anything right now with sarahsbless.ing or saraisbless.ing. But more recently I’ve purchased MiriamsWisdom.com, and that will be the URL for this publication soon. Any links you have to hrollins.substack.com will still work.

On the strength of women
by Heather L. Rollins
April 27, 2025

They tell us women we are weak
They call us the fair ones
They tell us the world is cruel
They keep us home to keep us safe
They do not know this only 
	keeps the world safe from us.

They do not know us
We are not safe!
We are a danger and a risk to all
The world is not safe from women
The world is not safe 
	from daughters and mothers and wives.

You say you are not strong
I say you have not seen your strength
Nor have I seen mine 
They said I was weak
They labeled me fragile
They were wrong
The world is not safe from me, 
	the world is not safe from you.

I shout out that we women are strong
I say our strength is like water
I say our strength is like silence
They keep us home where we get stronger
They do not know that by this
	we grow into fearsome Mother Bear.

They do not know us
We are the Mighty River
We are erosion by Wind and by Time
We are the Voice of Accountability
We are whipping Weeping Willow 
The world is not safe
	from all the power of mighty women.

Sing a song of the strength of women!
Sing of the fierce fair ones!
Sing of kindness in the midst of cruelty!
Sing of the den of Mother Bear!
Sing of a world made safe
	by the mightiness of women!

Last week, in a study group, we talked about Rabbi Akiva, one of the most significant sages from our tradition. The text we discussed included the image of water dripping on a stone every day, gradually wearing it away. We discussed change, that sometimes change is a huge event, like lightning striking a mountain and setting off a rockslide, more often change is the dropping water, carving the rock over many years. It reminded me of this poem.

Some may say it takes strength to act, and this is true. I say it takes strength to refrain, to restrain, to act only a little. After all, I am only one water drop, and you are only one water drop. But together, we are a flood. Together we make holes in stones and carve the faces of mountains. We are women, and we are strong.

Then shall all the trees of the wood shout for joy
before the LORD.

You can imagine my delight at learning about the Jewish holiday of Tu B’Shevat, called the new year of trees or the birthday of trees. We know trees can live for decades, even centuries. There are trees here in my home state of Virginia that are older than I am, much older! How lovely, to celebrate the birthday of these venerable giants! How wonderful, to reflect on the trees and their meaning, to wonder at their beauty, to be grateful for all the gifts they bring us!

In my studies this morning, I spent time in dissertation work and then I spent time learning Talmud. My dissertation research is in suicide, looking at regional hotspots and coldspots, and evaluating the natural features and human-built features in those regions. This morning I read from several articles that discuss greenspace and its importance in mental health, particularly in neighborhoods and areas that are economically deprived.

In the Talmud, I’ve started with Tractate Megillah, since it’s almost Purim. And hey - I’ve almost finished the first (side of the first) page, so maybe I’ll get all the way through by Purim 5687! And in one of the sidebars, I encountered the name Rav Shmuel bar Yitzhak, who was an important rabbi living in the 4th century CE. It turns out Rabbi Samuel was also connected with trees. From his wikipedia page:

He was accustomed to entertain the bride and groom at weddings by dancing before them with myrtle-branches. Some rabbis, including Rabbi Zeira, considered this to be embarrassingly frivolous for someone of Samuel’s stature. But according to tradition, his conduct received Divine approval: When he died, a bath kol announced that “Rav Samuel bar Rav Yitzchak, the man who did kindness, has died”; at his funeral, fire descended from heaven in the form of myrtle-poles to separate the mourners from his body;[7] and all the trees of the Land of Israel were uprooted, indicating that they had missed the chance to be taken by Samuel for his wedding-dances.

So it isn’t even just trees, but trees and fun and kindness. And Hashem loved this so much that God spoke from the heavens, decorated his funeral with tree branches, and let all the trees in Israel mourn his loss.

Now I am reflecting on trees and kindness and love… and economically disadvantaged neighborhoods and parks and suicide… and my thoughts haven’t integrated into one synthesis yet, but I’m sure they will.

In last week’s Torah reading, Terumah, God commands that the ark—yes, the Ark of the Covenant from Indiana Jones—be made of precious materials, gold and silver and the finest cloths and wood. During my study group discussion last weekend, it struck me that there is no particular value for God in gold and silver and wood. God made those, and God can make them whenever God wants to! No, what has value for God is us. Life.

How awful must it be for God to watch us put gold and silver and fine fabrics above life, above each other? What does it mean that I live in a comfortable apartment with lovely green landscaping and trees outside my window, while so many grow up in neighborhoods that barely have grass, much less trees? That children living in “the projects” have so much higher risk of dying by suicide than my comfortable, suburban children had?

Trees and neighborhoods and kindness and parks and suicide and love. It’s all tangled up for me right now. While I work on puzzling out what I feel and think here, I hope that you’ll look around for a Rabbi Samuel in your life. He might not dance with tree branches, but I bet here’s there, ready to lighten your burden a little and make you smile.

You are light.
You are song.
You are flame.
You are prayer.

Burn!

This summer I’m participating in a workshop on leading davening, or Jewish prayer. This means, of course, studying Jewish prayer. I missed our session last week and just finished watching the recording, which filled me with prayer and song and fire.

Shine! Sing! Burn!

Pray!

Read more

In 2025, I’ve doubled 25 years, and then some. I have a diagnosis of Type II bipolar disorder, and I’ve had several more periods of depression and dysphoria. I’ve spent years devoted to Christianity, in the Episcopal Church, and I’ve spent years unable to walk with the Church. In the last year, I’ve actually begun a formal conversion to Judaism. As a mystic, I’ve had some very brief experiences where for the barest instant I could apprehend God clearly. But more than 99% of the time, it was the frosted glass.

Subscribe now

Before I show you the text of the poem, I want to fill you in on an artistic decision I made when preparing this poem for the substack. When I wrote this in 1997, my sense of God was very male. I hadn’t really encountered the divine feminine, so my experience of God was The Remote King Up In The Sky. As a result, I used masculine pronouns. We know that God is not a physical, biological man any more than God is any other sort of physical, biological human, and these days I use a very different approach to name and refer to God. I didn’t see a good way to change the masculine pronouns without wrecking the rhythm and musical line of the poem, so I decided to leave them in place. We can call them yet one more misapprehension I had of God. :)

Where is God?

an original poem by Heather L. Rollins, written September 12, 1997

Where is God?
Through frosted glass
I cannot see
the glory of his face
but only hints
of blurry shadows
hidden from
my seeking eyes.

Where is God?
For though I press
my fingers to
the whitened pane,
I can not feel
his touch meet mine;
I do not sense
his presence near me.

Where is God?
I listen closely
with my ear
held to the door.
His voice eludes me;
muffled whispers
murmur at me,
nothing more.

Where is God?
I cannot smell
nor taste his presence,
do not know if he is near me.
Does he love me?
Are there angels,
saints who intercede?

Where is God?
I want to see him,
touch him, hear
his holy voice
within my soul.
I need him
to make me complete,
to make me feel alive.

Where is God?
I do not understand
why he must
hide from me.
Where is God?
Please give me peace
and love and hope
and comforting.

No? Maybe it’s just me. But if you recognize yourself in this at all, then you might find yourself in Hurt Feelings Report, which is about exactly that sort of rumination. It’s fun to exaggerate the ruminating, to dwell in it and find the ridiculousness living there… and to find the tiny miracle that lives at the heart of all things.

I told you “That won’t hurt my feelings,” and I probably even believed it just then,
but this was untrue, and I thought you should know it.
My feelings will be hurt, and I’ll cherish this pain.
I will lie awake at night rolling this feeling through my thoughts,
holding it close to my chest and loving it obsessively.
I will poke at every wound and treasure the sweet ache.
I’ll pick at the scabs until the blood runs.
I will find every bruise and admire the colors:
Who knew that hurt feelings could look so amazing?
It may not be rational to store up and save up hurt feelings like this,
but I’ve never claimed to be rational, my friend.
Every bump, bruise, and fracture is proof I’m alive,
telling my story, a map of the skin of my heart.
When I told you it won’t hurt my feelings,
instead you should know that I’ll ponder and cherish the hurt in my heart
and never let it go
and never let you go.

The title comes from my boss, who likes to pretend that he’s a complete grump, though sometimes you can catch a glimpse at the marshmallow center hidden deep in his core. When he has to make a decision that he expects to be unpopular, he might say, “Well, today we have to do this thing. You can all file hurt feelings reports tomorrow.” As I wrote this poem in February 2023, I knew that its title would have to come from this line, and so Hurt Feelings Report became a poem.

Have you ever sought out the tiny miracle that lives at the heart of something painful, or even something silly? What was that discovery like? Was love living there? It’s my theory that the tiny miracle that lives at the heart of all things is love.

Listen!

by Heather L. Rollins, February 2, 2025

Listen!
Listen up. This is your God talking.
Listen to me.
I am the Source of all.
I breathe life into you every day
when I wake you from your sleep.
I love you.

Listen!
It’s about love.
I love you.
I hope you love me.
I will never force you.
It’s not love unless it’s a choice made in freedom,
and it is your choice.
Love is your choice.

Listen! 
If you choose love,
then put your whole self into it.
Love is demanding,
and it asks everything you have
and everything that you are.
And the more love you pour out,
the more love I give you:
a flood of love too large to be contained,
abundant, extravagant, powerful.
Everything is about love.

Listen!
I know you can forget love
with the bustle of your life.
You must remind yourself:
	I am the God you chose,
	and I love you,
and I will give you all you need.
Remind yourself in the morning and in the evening: it’s about love;
tell your children and tell each other: it’s about love.
Remind yourself at home,
and remind yourself wherever you go: it’s all about love.
Put reminders in front of your eyes,
even write them on your hands: love, love, love.
Remind yourself about love when you arrive home,
and take love with you when you go out.

Listen!
It’s about love.
I need you to love each other.
I know you are forgetful,
and you’re stubborn, even stiff-necked.
The answer is always love.
	Hungry? Love them. Feed them.
	Naked? Love them. Clothe them.
	Grieving? Love them. Console them.
	Ailing? Love them. Heal them.
	Fallen? Love them. Uplift them.
	Lonely? Love them. Be with them.
	Imprisoned? Love them. Visit them. Free them.
	Ignored? Love them. See them.
	Injustice? Love them. Speak out.
	Oppression? Love them. Fight it.
Love them. Love them. Love them.
Every day, wherever you are,
the answer is always love.

Listen!
It’s about love.
It was always about love.
It will always be about love.
The answer is always love.
Listen!

Even on the far side of the hill, over 50, I find this nonsense still chasing me. If I haven’t been A Perfect Young Lady, modest and demure even while achieving the highest performance and also smiling while I do it—if I haven’t made you feel warm and welcome and wanted and happy—if I haven’t succeeded in earning your esteem—then I have failed. It sounds ridiculous that way, doesn’t it? But feelings are not rational, so here we are.

Maybe after you’ve listened to this poem, you might call someone or text them and tell them you love them even when they make mistakes and don’t wash their hair and begrudge the effort. Because truly, the well of love is bottomless.

Love Lesson
by Heather L. Rollins, January 8, 2025

I learned 
	early that 
	the path 
	to love 
	is performance.

The coin 
	to buy love 
	is doing 
	a good job
	and smiling 
	while you do it
	And doing it
	better
	than I 
	ever
	did it before

I was 
	a greedy 
	wee thing
I wanted 
	all 
	the love 
	I could get

Everyone I met,
	they had to 
	love me
	like me
	feel happy
	to see me
	stay with me
	take care
	of me


I say this
	as if it
	weren’t 
	still true
	even though
	the well of love
	is bottomless.

This poem embraces the dark, hidden, smelly things that are all part of Creation. God may be in the majestic mountains, the soaring eagles, and the graceful antelope. God is also in the microbes, the buzzards, the maggots, and the mushrooms. So here’s to the God who breathes life into dying things, every single day.

A response to parashah Tetzaveh

O god of deep and hidden things
O god of mushrooms, moss, and ferns
O god who breathes with winter's sighs
Show us how to find you.

O god of still and silent things
O god of seeps and soaks and stones
O god whose bones are mountains, trees
Teach us how to hear you.

O god of dark and hidden things
O god of compost, mold, and rot
O god who brings dead things to life
	Sing to us and wake us.

O god of peat and god of worms
O god of smelly, funky things
O god whose song is love unknown
	Take our hand and guide us.